Why I’m Betting on Solitude: Holding Out for Connections That Set My Soul on Fire

You have to be willing to wager with the Universe, standing strong but stubborn for the things you’re unwilling to compromise on.

You have to be able to say “no” to all things that aren’t the thing you want, if you want to eventually get the thing you want.

Yesterday, I made a Threads post that went viral, alluding to the fact that I’d rather be alone than “give in” and take something that might be good but not great when it comes to relationship.

Literally, I need my heart to skip a beat when I see a girl’s name/picture pop up. Sounds simple, and silly. But I’ve felt that before, a handful of times. And I need it, if I’mma go in.

So if it’s not soul-igniting euphoria, I can’t move forward. Pure and simple.

Post by @officialmbecker

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I haven’t had sex in two-and-a-half years. I don’t see a point of doing that with someone who doesn’t light me up, and I now view sex as a risk-reward game. Are the risks that come with that worth the momentary reward? I dodged a lot of bullets earlier in life, and now I just have too much to lose. Sex is sacred, but so is my peace, my plan, and my potential. Not worth messing those up.

I’m definitely in the minority on this, but I’d rather not date at all than “get to know someone” with whom I do not feel that immediate magnetic spark from the jump. True, a slow burn is possible, and I recognize that relationships take time to mature. I also want that. But I need both tracks operating simultaneously: the long-tail development in parallel with the instant, chemical fire.

For me, the physical component is mandatory. I cannot get around this; my brain chemistry and body won’t let me. While I believe all women are divine, beautiful and angelic, I’m only sexually attracted to a certain type of woman and I’d only be interested in talking to a woman I’m sexually attracted to.

But that’s not enough. On top of that, after that, I need responsiveness and reciprocity. These go hand-in-hand, for me.

If you can’t maintain a consistent, high-energy conversation devoid of small talk, my interest dissolves almost immediately. If a girl leaves me on read, I’m probably done… for good.

When people talk about “physical/mental/emotional,” this is what the mental is about, for me.

If your dopamine doesn’t rush, if your heart doesn’t skip a beat, when you see that person, or see their name pop up on your phone… what are you doing?

You’re settling… for something that doesn’t light your soul on fire. Why would you do that?

Well, I wouldn’t. That’s my point.

Most people do. They’re scared to hold out. They’re afraid they might never find the thing they know their heart wants. They’re afraid of “being along forever” so they take an off-ramp.

Not me.

I’m willing to spend the rest of my life “alone” and I’m expecting to, because I realize that what I’m asking the Universe for is very rare.

My mission — my purpose — is my wife. It will always be. The fact is, I need to build a certain lifestyle to provide for an actual wife and a family the way I want to be able to do, one day.

That doesn’t mean I’m not trying to “meet people.” I’m always trying, I’m just not begging or chasing. I no longer view a ghosted conversation or rejection as an ego-obliterating “loss” the way I used to. I just see it as the Universe’s way of revealing to me that this girl was not, in fact, able to hold the flame.

My solitude is the greatest gift I have right now. The silence, the peace, the ability to move how I want to move, to go where I want to go, to work uninterrupted, to sleep in total stillness and wake up in stillness… like, this is amazing.

“Show me why I should let you in” is my mentality. As a man, I’ll DM or approach or SuperSwipe you if I’m interested. But then, if you’re interested, you gotta show me you’re into me with your actions.

But now I’m so set in my ways, man. For me to interrupt my routine… the connection would have to be cosmic. But I know they’re out there. And if I know cosmic connections exist out there, waiting for me, why would I settle? Even if there’s only 1,000 women on the planet with whom this kind of connection could be ignited, I’d gladly spend the next two decades of my life traveling the world, trying to find as many of them as possible. Forget marriage, kids, and a house, for now. I don’t want those things the way I used to . That is not my destiny… but neither are women, or any one woman.

Throughout my twenties (I’m 33 now), I made women my purpose. I romanticized finding the one and marrying her. I mistakenly believed that settling down with a beautiful blonde bombshell would make me happy and fix all my woes.

Well, I found her; I traveled with her; I settled down with her; and not only did I not become any happier, my existing unhappiness became exacerbated. It did not diminish.

And so, while I still desire to meet and spend time with amazing women, I now know that even the most wonderful connection in the world can never complete me or make me whole. I’d subscribed to that illusion for a long time and now I’m in detox mode — clearly.

Yet still, there is a spark I seek. Call it superficial or whatever you like, but, personally, I can only feel this spark with a certain type of woman: she has to be a ten. That’s non-negotiable and it’s the first thing I notice. The problem is, tens are drowning in dudes and DMs. When you have an endless supply, the incentive to give any one guy any time whatsoever is small. The good part is, I’m a 9-10 myself (and I could give a damn if you think that sounds boastful or self-absorbed; I’ve worked my ass off to tread toward becoming a top 1% man and I know my value).

So, it’s a matter of time.

In my life, I have had just two connections the likes of which I’ve described above. It’s as rare as a shooting star. Everything has to align perfectly; the attraction, the connection, the interest, the chemistry, the willingness to engage in ongoing dialogue, the openness to share and explore and, yes, to make plans to meet up within a week or two. Like, I know that’s asking a lot. I know it’s hard for women to do. And I know I’m picky.

Given the fact that my criteria pretty much cancels out 99.9% of the female population, yeah, I’m prepared to be alone for a long while.

So my best option is not to push and prowl; it’s to develop a strong, orgasmic relationship with my own solitude. And I’ve done that, and I love it.

Hear that Universe?

I’m not lowering my “standards.” I’m not retracting my “ask.” I’ve told you what I desire in another. Give it to me or watch me go on just like this. I’m happy to do it.